Miserably Hectic

Its been 2 days of hectic work.

Been working my ass off for the past 2 days until my rest day which starts today. Dinner has not been too good. Too busy, too many ppl, too many fussy customers, too many dishes, too many things in mind.

Yesterday was a full moon in Yellowstone. A bunch of us went to Red Rock Trail which most of u guys wouldnt know to see the moon and the stars. What do I feel, looking at the moon just makes me think of something.

Is the other person looking at the moon too? Thats how we can see each other. Thats a naive thinking I had last time which I would tell my gf. How funny it was. But when I looked at the moon, sadness falls down on me. I am not too sure what I was thinking but I have no idea what to do. What was my decision. No idea..

Back in the kitchen, where I work. I still bring the Tupperware water bottle with me. And on that day I dropped the tumbler, and it broke. There was a slight crack on the plastic how weird. It feels shattered. Feels heart broken.. I dont wanna have that.. I wanna fix it back.. After work, I was still thinking in my mind.. What if it happens again.. I would not be able to take it anymore.. I have no idea..

I am basically lost. Everyday, I wake up in the morning aimlessly doing nothing and I get to work and I rest and back to work. My deadline is 3 days away. I am still lost. Should I consult anyone at all? Or should I just leave myself in what I am. Lost till the end. I seriously have no idea.

6 months.. That was long.. and it was memorable.. To forget you is not going to happen.. But staying in the darkness is what I am going through..

I am Lost.

My Immortal

Evanescence:

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me

I

I will not love anyone.

I go where fate brings me to.

To where I am supposed to be.

What I am supposed to get.

What I deserve for myself.

Me

I will just be what I wanna be. To be what I used to be. Having nothing other than just myself.

Take care.

Regret

Sometimes, when we are together. I do wish we break up. Sometimes which we do, we get back really quickly.. The worst break was like 6 hours.. But we got back together.

Ever since, I thought about our future, I knew things like this would happen once more.. it will be never ending. You are just too sensitive, thinking too much and worrying too much.. everything I did was too little for you.. You need more convince, which I am just not always giving you the amount you want.

Regret? Yes? No? The true answer.. Yes and No. Yes for Loving you.. No for better life for the both..

No one will ever get the best of both worlds.. You have what she does not have.. and she does not have you have.. I love the both of you. But Im just in the middle of nowhere.. Decisions is not my field.. There is nothing I can decide. There is nothing I can have, I should have. I should just take whatever I should have.. Not to take anything for granted without working on it.

Regret is something meaningful yet meaningless

Back to my own space

Well.. Guess what.. I am back to blogging.. Back to what I am.. or what I was.. Am I gonna be back to what I used to be again? to be fully me again.. I have no idea.. I am still in a deep hole.. and I guess this blog is the only place I can rant it all out! haha

As some of you might know.. I am currently in Yellowstone National Park. Its been 2 weeks since I have been out of home..

For the past few days.. Things hasnt been too good between me and my gf.. and so.. I decided to break up with her.. For the sake of our future. In the long run.. It might be a good thing.. But in short term.. it sucks.. I know she is very hurt and sad.. But me.. I feel lost.. Part of me feels gone.. I bet she feels the same.. What should I do. Its the 2nd day of my breakup. And I have cried all the time on the bed while thinking what we had.. How happy we were.. What did we go through.. everything just feels gone in split seconds.. In fact.. Tears is already rolling down.. hahaa.. I feel so stupid guys.. I feel so useless.. but I still love her so much..

Results got out today.. and they were terribly bad. But luckily I get to move on to undergrad and get to keep the scholarship too.. Right now.. I have no idea if I should continue or else.. Life sucks at this time.. Nothing good is happening to me.. everything seems to be falling down on me..

I made lots and lots of mistake during my work today.. I wasnt focused.. I wasnt emotionally ready for work.. I really feel like having a break and sleep through everything.. I hate myself..

To this someone I hurt you so much last time.. I do catch up ur bloggie.. But I am really not sure if I should get back to you.. I really need your accompany right now.. Need somebody to talk through.. U were my blasting machine.. god sakes.. I hope I could talk to you again.. Really hope so..

I have no idea what I should do now.. I am totally lost.. I need help..